


farrah.

by its_just_a_j



Series: watt character studies, bois and gals [1]
Category: We Are The Tigers - Allen
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Farrah Character Study, I think?, Incomplete, THIS IS DEPRESSING, again this is incomplete but it's a one-shot so please come back, alcoholic character, back on the subject of taking care reading if you don't feel comfortable reading it just don't read, depressed character, heck, heck again, i care about y'all and this fic has a lot of dissociation n stuff, i love farrah so much, i understand completely, i'm begging you to revisit this fic it's not done, i've been working on this for ages and i lost patience, or whatever?, please step carefully!!, sorry am i getting too emotional???, take care reading <3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-10-21 20:00:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20699051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/its_just_a_j/pseuds/its_just_a_j
Summary: crowzira's first character study. this is all about how i view farrah's internal thought process, all the way up until her death.it's sad and stuff so please take care! i don't want anyone getting upset over this, and if you start to feel uncomfortable reading, you can stop! i know that some parts of what i have done have made me feel particularly out-of-touch, in a way.regardless, as said in the tags, THIS IS AN INCOMPLETE PARTITIONED ONE-SHOT! please come back whenever you can! i got impatient and i just really wanted to share. i've also hit a block, so i'm struggling. :(





	farrah.

**Author's Note:**

> i think i've said everything that needs to be said in the summary. please leave comments!

Farrah, in all honesty, actually didn’t know where she was. Her mind was swamped and fuzzy, but that little sliver of sense left in her aching, swimming head prevailed, and it was that, perhaps alongside her own raging stupidity, that gave her the energy to answer the phone. Words were exchanged, and she found herself hanging up, but what she had said and what her sister had said had vanished so quickly from her mind she didn’t even remember if she’d actually talked to her, or if it had just been some hazy auditorial mirage. Regardless of any of that, her thoughts wandered away like stumbling infants taking their first steps. Or maybe like a girl who drinks her worries away until the world seems like nothing, some awful bit of her brain whispered. A girl who’s loved by no one.

Farrah knew she wasn’t exactly wanted; after all, Annleigh constantly seemed disappointed in her, and the rest of the cheer team wasn’t too happy with her even  _ existing _ . At least, as far as she could tell, but what matter was her own opinion? She really didn’t know by this point. This idiotic, dulled, useless point that defined her more than it told about the situation itself. The situation that Farrah was so hopelessly clueless about, so infinitely, undeniably,  _ irrevocably  _ spiteful towards. Why did it have to be her that was stuck in an insignificant cheer squad that would never reach their elusively unreasonable goal? It was, in the simplest yet harshest terms,  _ stupid _ .

She just wanted to go back (how far) (where was she going) (did she really need to). She wanted to go back to when everything was okay, when she didn’t drink and high school hadn’t wrecked her beyond the point of no return (was there no return) (could she come back) (what made it so impossible). She wanted to be happy (was she ever really), to have friends who cared about her (but did they ever), to be heard and appreciated (did anyone even listen) (did anyone even look). She didn’t know the answers to those underlying questions, but she knew those were the things she wanted —  _ needed _ , if she thought to go as far as that (what was it, to need something) (was it really necessary) (was she lying to herself again).

Her thoughts could’ve gone so much farther. They could’ve extended into  _ infinity _ ; she could’ve gotten lost in that ocean of wishes and wonders and worries that she wasn’t certain if she knew were there before (what if they had been there) (what if she didn’t notice) (what if, what if, what if). For all she knew, she could’ve sat there until the bar closed and she was forced to leave (would they make her leave) (would she listen) (what would she do).

But, upon hearing her name called — “ _ Farrah _ !” —, the conversation with Annleigh  _ wrenched  _ itself from the depths of her discursive brain and played back, as real as it had been in the moment, she could only assume (was it even real) (had it been made up) (how would she ever know).

_ “Farrah! Where on Earth are you?” _

_ “I dunno, where are you?” _

_ “This is not the time! We were supposed to leave ten minutes ago!” _

_ “So leave ten minutes ago.” _

_ “We’re on our way. Where are you?” _

_ “I really dunno . . . I’m gonna drop a pin!” _

_ “Farrah!” _

_ “How do you drop a pin?” _

“Farrah!” Annleigh’s voice was right in her ear now, which was  _ definitely  _ real, and she jolted, eyes landing on her sister, though they lacked the focus she needed at this moment (did she need it) (or would it be better if she just couldn’t see how angry annleigh was) (who would ever know) (who would ever care). A hand grabbed her arm and she was pulled out of her seat roughly, though she hoped Annleigh had meant it with kinder intentions (what was the point, though) (did she). “Let’s go.”

Farrah didn’t fight. Why should she fight? In her intoxicated state, she really couldn’t (could she) (was she as weak as she thought). And Annleigh would only hate her more if she did (but what if she’d reached her peak of hatred) (was that possible). So she went along and let her mind consume her again (why are there so many thoughts) (why are there so many questions).

***

Farrah had a lot of questions, but she knew better than to voice them and instead stuck with letting them swirl around aimlessly inside her head. For one, why was Clark driving the car? She knew he was Annleigh’s boyfriend, but it was a cheerleader sleepover that didn’t include him. She didn’t have anything against male cheerleaders, but Clark simply  _ wasn’t one _ — and besides, the high school rules still had to adjust themselves to be a  _ little  _ less sexist —, and Annleigh could possibly get in trouble for bringing him. She wasn’t sure  _ why  _ she cared if Annleigh broke the rules or not, but, by some  _ god _ forsaken law, it seemed to be her job.

She found herself envying Annleigh’s relationship with Clark to a constantly upsurging, inordinate degree. She wished she had someone like that in her life, someone who would kiss her woes away and compliment her with cuddles, a girl who could tell her how beautiful her every flaw was and how lovable each of her blemishes were. It was a dream she had long pursued, even now, with its impossible-to-fix cracks. She knew how dumb it was to believe, to think, to hope that anybody could ever love her; but she wasn’t going to give in just yet.

Yet what was the purpose of trying to think like that (what was the purpose of everything) (was she supposed to know)? It was the one thing she had the motivation and perseverance to hope for (was it okay to hope) (did she even know how to hope) (when had she first tried to hope). The one thing above all others that she took chase after like it was her cure (was it her cure) (what if it was) (was it the wrong way to go). Mentally, she scoffed a laugh; wasn’t that what everyone hated to do (do what) (what did she even mean) (why)? To romanticize these illnesses, these disorders, these  _ pains  _ (was it really painful) (was it inside her head) (how bad did it hurt).

Farrah was sure life hated her (was life capable of hate) (how could it hate) (why would it hate her). Everyone turned on her in the end, and she was almost tempted to give up (give up on what) (was it worth it). No one ever tried to ask her how she felt, nor did they even give an attempt at looking at things her way (what if they couldn’t) (was she expecting too much of them) (was she missing something) (missing what). She didn’t even know if it was right to hate them back (could she hate them) (was she that mean) (was she capable of hate).

For some time, her mind drifted, and she lost track of her thoughts (where were they going) (were they leaving her) (was she dying). Eventually, they circled back around to another topic that stirred up so many feelings inside of Farrah (was it spite) (was it anger) (was it sorrow) (could it be wistfulness). She never wanted to be a cheerleader, and yet Annleigh had to rip her from the safer confines of home and launch her into this stupid squad (was it stupid) (was she just lacking better words). Some part of her knew that maybe, just maybe, this was that boundless, near-astronomic opportunity she had been delving about life for (was it really so great) (why would it be so amazing) (how did that make sense).

But Farrah had other questions, no matter whether this was what she needed or not (did she need it) (did she not) (why ask the same questions). There was something deep inside her raving mind that didn’t sit quite right, that made her pause and think a bit (wasn’t she already thinking) (hadn’t she been thinking too much already). She remembered — Riley had texted everyone a set of rules (how did she remember) (wasn’t she drunk) (why did she know so much only know). It seemed almost sinister that they weren’t allowed to have their phones (was she going to far with this) (was it just a dumb thought). What if they needed to call help (would it be fast enough) (what if they couldn’t save them) (would any saving be necessary)?

What if — Farrah stopped herself there (but why) (what if she was right). She was drunk (was she anymore) (had she sobered up yet) (how long had it been). So, quite simply, she had to be wrong (but what if she wasn’t) (what if it made something her fault) (what if she knew).

She let it go (but what if).

***

[part 3/7, incomplete]

They were finally at their destination — at least, Farrah thought. She was too distant to really consider that they might still be driving, or maybe she was even back at the bar, stuck in a neverending nightmare of the uncertain future. She had the sense that she was being guided inside, not really sure of what was going on, but was she ever sure of anything? Voices. She knew she could hear voices, but whether they were in her head or real was the ultimate question. Honestly, reality was becoming impossible to understand at this point.

Should she be saying something (was she already) (what if she’d already messed up) (what was happening)? 

***

[part 4/7, not started]

***

[part 5/7, not started]

***

[part 6/7, not started]

***

[part 7/7, not started]

**Author's Note:**

> i love you guys and i appreciate any comments or kudos i get <3


End file.
